Dating Tips | Dating Advice for Men

Body Language Tips on Attraction

Most people call it "body language"—the clues to the true meaning and objective of communication from people that we get from gesture, facial expression, posture—any action that is not a spoken cue. The scientists call it "nonverbal communication," which is an excellent description - but what most people do not understand is that this body language is used more often than spoken word when trying to decipher intent and meaning out of any communication.

Accurately reading body language is essential for success in relationships, from dating to marriage. However, much of our understanding is instinctive—and a good deal of it is wrong, according to modern communications research. What follows are some of the more common myths, and the truth behind them.

Myth - a liar can't look you straight in the eye. There is a common belief that people who are unable to maintain eye contact are probably lying. Inability to hold eye contact and shifting body signals are common flags of deceit - however - these are such commonly held beliefs that undoubtedly the person who is lying knows about them, and can easily overcome these unconscious habits.

In addition, many other factors can contribute to body language that indicated deceit - such as simple nervousness. There are many reasons for nervousness, especially in the dating world. Therefore, to understand what the behavior means, you still have to interpret the emotion. Furthermore, one group in particular excels at making eye contact that appears to be very sincere: pathological liars. Hence, it is not safe to rely on eye contact as a measure of sincerity or truthfulness.

2. When meeting someone, the more direct the eye contact, the better. This long-held belief is the inverse of the idea that shifty-eyed people are liars. The result is an unfortunate tendency for people making initial contact—as in a job interview, for example—to stare fixedly at the other person. This behavior is just as likely to make the interviewer uncomfortable as not. Most of us are comfortable with eye contact lasting a few seconds, but any eye contact that persists longer than that can make us nervous. We assume that there is something else going on—an attempt to initiate flirtatious behavior, or even intimidation perhaps. Indeed, studies on flirting show that prolonged eye contact is an early step in the process.

3. Putting your hands behind your back is a gesture that makes one seem powerful. For years presentation coaches have taught people to put their hands behind their backs in what is sometimes called the "Prince Charles" stance, in the mistaken belief that the heir to the British throne is a good model for strong body language. Since he's a prince, the thinking goes, and he stands that way a lot, it must be powerful.

Actually, the research shows that most people find the gesture untrustworthy—if we can't see what your hands are doing, we're suspicious. So if your goal is to increase trust in any given situation, don't put your hands behind your back.

4. High-status people demonstrate their dominance of others by touching them. Another widely accepted belief is that powerful people in society—often men—show their dominance over others by touching them in a variety of ways. In fact, the research shows that in almost all cases, lower-status people initiate touch. And women initiate touch more often than men do. This is especially important in the dating world - initiating touch in ways other than those designed for kino escalation can signify lower status and approval seeking behavior.

5. People smile when they're happy. People smile for all sorts of reasons, only one of which is to signal happiness. In fact, there are many kinds of smiles, and the interpretation of a smile can mean anything from contempt and sarcasm to deference or even an effort to ignore an individual. Women, especially, tend to smile for more reasons than a show of happiness. Unless a smile is accompanied by open body language and eye contact, do not interpret it as an open invitation.

6. Voices rise when speakers are angry. Again, nonverbal communication reliably signals the presence of emotion, but not the specific emotion. A rising voice is associated with a variety of emotions, including anger, but also nervousness, fear, excitement, hysteria, and even amusement. You must always consider the communicator and the context carefully. Indeed - many people get quieter when they are angry, so volume is not a reliable indicator of emotion.

Most of the research into nonverbal communications shows that people are not very good at masking their feelings. Emotions do leak out regularly, in many ways. And yet, the research also shows that most of us are not as good at decoding those emotions as we would like to think. Young people are significantly worse at both signaling emotions and reading them. Although we do learn as we grow older, we should remain wary; in the end, body language conveys important but unreliable clues about the intent of the communicator. The more information you can get about the clues you are trying to decode, the more likely you will be to decode them correctly. Education about reading body language is key to dating success!